God, how could you?

"God, how could you let this happen?"  The greatest damage done by my first miscarriage was the spiritual battles that ensued in the following months.  Yes, months.  I am committed to being honest here and although I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I was truly a wreck emotionally and spiritually for a good long time.  Much longer than I let on to anyone other than my husband - and even he I'm sure didn't realize the extent of my struggle most of the time.  I have a hard time opening up about anything too personal/emotional anyway, and this was deep.  Deeper I think than anything else I've ever had to deal with.


I have been wonderfully rooted and brought up in a Christian home with a strong church family.  God has been a big, personal part of my life forever.  I loved my church and youth group growing up, went to Bible college for a year after high school, attended a small Christian college after that, did some missions, worked summers at the Bible camp I grew up going to, been involved in churches and Bible studies and small groups my whole life.  Everything in life is centered on Christ, on God.  My natural response in hard situations is prayer and looking for God's hand or leading.  So don't think that I was looking for someone to blame and suddenly God entered the picture.  I'm no perfect Christian by any means, but I want to make clear what a huge deal this was for me.


My initial response to this personal tragedy of losing a baby was the trite (if I can say that) and Christianese answer of "God is in control.  Looking at the big picture I know that this isn't the end of the world and God's will is for the good of those who love Him, etc."  I must have still been in shock - which I absolutely was, who expects this? - because when the real emotions set in, I felt no hint of God's love or grace and nor did I want anything to do with any of it.  I felt betrayed, robbed, ignored, abandoned.  I could understand that bad things happen because we live in a fallen world.  People make choices and there are consequences.  Even nature is not how it was intended to be.  But inside my womb?  What could possibly touch this tiny life inside me and take it away?  I had done my research; I knew the pregnancy do's and don'ts.  My doctor ensured me it was not my fault, not to blame myself because there probably wasn't anything I could have done or not done to cause it.  

So I tried to be the good Christian and think God is in control and all that, but then it came down to "Then how could you let this happen?  Only you could touch this tiny life inside of me and let it die.  I don't see any good in this, I don't feel your love, all I feel is pain and betrayal and emptiness and devastation."  Ugh, how this weighed on me.  Deep in my heart I knew that I was wrong, that God is love and truth and that he never wants to hurt us and that I needed him.  But that was a very tiny portion of my broken heart that was otherwise filled with all these other feelings.  So the battle continued on for quite awhile.  I say battle because I know on one side Satan was using my vulnerability (and crazy fluctuating hormones) to feed me lies and fan the flame of anger and pain and confusion.  On the other side God kept gently pushing that little grain of the truth of who he is into my days and nights.


Hopelessness is a good word to describe my next month or more.  I wanted to start trying to get pregnant again.  I didn't want to risk the same disappointment and I honestly didn't want this untrustworthy God to be any part of it.  I knew that wasn't possible - I knew that someday somehow I was going to have to reconcile all of this and I couldn't go on living life ignoring God.  I knew that wasn't life at all, but I could not get passed the unfading feelings of betrayal and indifference.  I unfortunately confided my situation to a friend, via facebook, who (with good intentions I'm sure) pretty much just preached at me about how trusting God doesn't always mean we get what we want, and how God cannot bless what I do not surrender to Him, and how I can't push God away, he wants to comfort me, etc.  Well that was pretty much the opposite of what I needed.  In fact that is what I already knew that I should be feeling and believing but couldn't.  I felt like I wanted to have kids, but that God was ultimately in control of that blessing and I couldn't trust it to him so I was never going to get to have a family, which made me even more angry at God and just put me in this unending circle of hopelessness that I saw no way out of.


Time went by and I went on with life, although miserable on the inside.  Eventually my strong feelings (and probably my hormone levels) started to subside.  That little, but indestructible, piece of my heart kept pushing forward, encouraging me to at least take some steps in God's direction.  Last summer I had read a book, "The Shack," which dealt with loss and relationship with God.  I thought reading that and Job might be a good place to start.  Job lost everything - I don't know how he did it.  The whole time reading it I was thinking "I am not this guy, I can't even relate to his strength and faith..."  But the guy in the book was different.  He was a messed up wreck like me and that gave me some hope. 


In this book the guy has lost a daughter and physically meets God at this shack and converses with him.  In one conversation God is talking to him about how he works things out for good.  The guy asks how can God possibly justify the means of a lost life for whatever the end.  God's response was that he is not justifying it, he is redeeming it.  I read it over and over.  Redeeming it.  For some reason that cut through and spoke to my heart.  Can I allow God to redeem this?  Redeeming means it counts for something.  My baby will not be gone and forgotten and unnoticed, it will live on in the redemption of this heart-breaking situation.  So then I started wondering about how God could redeem it.  The possibility of adoption entered my mind.  We have yet to see about all that.


About that same time someone on facebook posted a link to an article or something written by another lady who had a miscarriage where she spoke of a similar struggle that I was having.  I wish I would have saved it, but what stuck with me was her realization that "we have a weeping God."  He hurts when we hurt.  He hates seeing us in pain.  That visual, along with the book's characterization of the loving God, marks the turning point in my spiritual battle.  That truth connected with all the other truth I had hidden in my heart and I knew that I could trust him.  He is good.  He does care.  He will take care of me and redeem my loss.


We did get pregnant again, and again we lost our baby.  That was almost a month ago and I have purposefully given myself this time to wait and write about my personal struggle.  I will not believe those lies again and I am truly in a much better place now that I was a month after my last miscarriage.  I'm stronger and sharing and hopeful.  I know God will redeem this whole situation, maybe even through this blog speaking to another hurting woman.  Maybe some other way that I have no idea about now.  

I love music and I feel God speaking through it so often.  Sara Groves is a favorite artist of mine...

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

 

I'm still very emotional, I cry easily if I talk about it and I'm okay with that.  I'm not over it.  I don't think you ever really get over losing a child, especially two.  Even if I go on to have other kids, I will always have these other two as well.  Pro-life and pro-choice supporters may argue about when life really starts, but I know those two tiny babies were my children and lives that I will see in heaven some day.

If you find yourself in my situation, you don't have to feel alone.  I've been there and I'm sure many others have as well.  Talk to someone if you can or talk to me.  I promise not to preach at you or judge you.  Everyone else, pray with me for the hurting mothers in the world who need hope and God's redeeming power.

In Loving Memory

I have been trying to think of something to do to honor our little babies' short lives.  Luke has already shot down my tattoo idea ;) so don't even try... But I'd like to know if any of you have some ideas.  What have you done (those of you who have been here) or heard of people doing to commemorate?

My Second D&C

This experience has not been much different than my first procedure, but I wanted to update those of you who have been so faithfully and graciously praying for me and sending encouraging words.


The trip to the hospital, although very early, went fine and we got checked in and everything just as last time.  And then, my tiny veins strike again!  The dreaded IV... At least this time I had a very kind and patient nurse, but it hurt much much worse as she dug around in my wrist trying to get my vein.  It didn't work.  She switched arms and got it in just below my left wrist, thankfully because my right wrist continued to hurt up until I went into the OR.  A massage therapist came in a gave me a back massage while we were waiting, that was pretty nice.  When leaving the waiting area the anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me and I don't think I even made it awake to the operating room.  At least if I did I don't remember it.


Everything went fine and we headed home feeling pretty good.  About 45 minutes from home I started having some increasing pain.  The nurse had said just clear liquids at least until I got home, and to take the vicodin with food.  So I was hesitant to take it, but was glad I had it with me and ended up taking it when we got closer to home.  Friday and Saturday were spent mostly in bed, napping and resting.  Actually on Saturday I was fine and went to the store to get stuff to make a cake.  It failed by the way, I always forget about high altitude baking adjustments when baking from scratch so it fell very flat and dry, but that's another story.


About the medications... I mentioned in another post about the medication I had last time that I wasn't sure about.  I asked my doctor and she prescribed that last time because I was bleeding more, so I didn't need that this time.  I still had the pain killers from last time so I didn't have any new prescriptions.


So I'm feeling pretty well considering.  Physically I've had very little pain (just took the meds on Friday and was fine by Friday night without) just some discomfort and light bleeding.  My doctor said to take it easy until my check-up with her in two weeks.  I'm kinda surprised to say I really don't like that I can't work out.  I've gotten used to doing Zumba with some ladies at work after school, and going to Curves several times a week.  The extra time is kinda nice (I got alot of cleaning done last night after school) but I miss the physical activity and interactions. 

Emotionally I still have my moments but feel much more equipped and stronger to deal with all the emotions and pain that I know will continue for awhile.  I'm not trying to "get over" this, I recognize it is a very real and significant loss that needs to be addressed, grieved, processed, remembered.

Sad tonight

This whole experience has been much different than the last, just as I suspect every pregnancy experience is different.  I've had an entire week since finding out about miscarrying and thought it would be a very long, hard week waiting for the d/c procedure.  It has gone by surprisingly fast and easily, which I'm contributing to all the prayers I have been blessed with from many of you.  I think also being able to talk about it and having the support from here/facebook has lessened the stress of it all.  I'm trying to keep more of an optimistic attitude.


School has kept me busy and distracted during the day and various media at night.  Tonight, though, is a sad night.  Tomorrow morning my second baby will be officially gone.  Needless to say, my heart is heavy.  I haven't done alot of crying but this evening I keep tearing up - whether it be from a home pregnancy test commercial or Pam's morning sickness on a re-run of The Office.  Many people have called me brave for posting here, and please don't take my openness as having it all together and dealing perfectly with anything.  I haven't shared alot about the personal, emotional side yet.  That may have to come later.  

I'm not really nervous about the surgery.  I would appreciate your prayers though for safe travels (we leave at 4am to get to the hospital), a smooth operation, and quick healing - physically and emotionally.  Thank you all!

My First D&C

For those of you who are curious about the whole experience, here's mine...


I went to the hospital on a Friday a couple hours before the procedure was scheduled to get all checked in and set up.  That was at 9:30 AM and with my increased hunger urges (pregnancy symptoms hadn't stopped) that was rather late to have nothing to eat or drink beforehand.  That's probably only if you're going to have anesthesia I guess, which I did.  This time I'm going in at 5:30 AM so that part should be easier...


The hospital was really efficient and friendly during the check-in process, so it went smoothly and I got to my room quickly. I changed into the hospital gown, got compression things put on my lower legs, and was settled into the bed within like 20 minutes.  Then the blood draw and IV... oh boy.  That was about the worst part of the whole thing, but I just had a bad experience.  First of all the nurse that came in to do it kept talking about how she wasn't supposed to be here today and they found her at the gym to make her come in.  She wasn't glad to be there and wasn't real friendly.  Earlier that week I had blood drawn for tests out of both arms, so each had a small bruise already.  It took quite awhile to get the blood she needed, and then she tried to put the IV in the same spot.  Evidently my blood congealed (don't know the exact medical terms) or something in the IV needle when she tried to put it in.  And evidently that has never happened to her before, according to my oh-so-happy-to-be-there nurse.  So she took it out of my forearm and stuck it up in the crook of my elbow.  Boy was THAT comfortable... Plus I had a bruise covering my entire forearm for the next few weeks, which is rather hard to discreetly cover up in August in our desert climate.  People get suspicious when you're at school setting up your classroom and sweating in long sleeves.


So the next hour or so was passed watching TV and trying not to bend my left arm or think about the discomfort in my elbow or get nervous for the surgery or think about being hungry.  Like I said, the whole IV thing was really the worst part, which certainly isn't any big deal in general.  Then I was moved to the "waiting room" which was kind of like a closet in my case, and met the doctor who was going to do the procedure.  My doctor was busy with a birth and had called me to ask if it was okay to have this other doctor she works with do it instead of waiting for her, because who knows how long that wait would be.  She had discussed my case (because of the threat of molar pregnancy) with him already so he was somewhat familiar with my story.  After that I was wheeled into the operating room, covered in lots of warm blankets, given a run-down of what would happen, and to sleep I went.


When I woke up everything was done and I just felt groggy. We had to stick around the hospital until I drank juice to make sure I could keep it down and used the bathroom.  I guess those are the signs that you're going to be alright.  Then I was wheeled down to the car and Luke drove me home.  I didn't have any pain until Luke was gone to the pharmacy to get my meds...of course.  Then I had some really intense pain that wouldn't stop.  I haven't given birth but it felt like what I imagine contractions feel like only not it waves, just constant.  There was no position I could find that would bring any relief - it was really miserable.  When Luke got back I took some pain meds and eventually got the pain down.  I must have misunderstood about the other medication I had to take.  I thought it was to make the uterus contract so it goes back to normal and that I might need to take the pain meds when I took that because of the cramps.  With that understanding I was reluctant to take it while already in so much pain, but it turned out that taking that medication is what really made me feel better.  I'll have to ask about that this time...


For the next 24 hours I just kept taking the pain meds every four hours or whatever just to make sure I didn't have that pain again.  All Saturday I stayed in bed and took it easy.  By Sunday morning I was feeling good enough to go to church and went without the pain meds later that day.  Monday was our first inservice day of the school year which meant mostly sitting in meetings so I was good to go.  Luke helped me set up my classroom the week before so I didn't have alot of big physical stuff left, thankfully.  


Sometime later that week we had a registration/back-to-school night.  During that evening I passed what was left of the tissue (I didn't know that was going to happen...) which was really inconvenient timing but wasn't painful or anything.  Just weird and kinda gross.  From then on I just had some light bleeding/spotting for a week maybe.


Two weeks later I had my follow-up appointment.  Everything checked out alright and the tissue sample came back clear of the pre-cancerous stuff so my doctor gave me a prescription for birth control pills to take until I had a normal cycle and we were ready to start trying again.


That was that.  I hope it all goes as smoothly this time as well - minus the IV troubles.

Natural Miscarriage or D&C?

**Disclaimer:  This post includes medical stuff and some personal subject matter which some may label "too much information."  You've been warned...

After finding out about my first miscarriage, my doctor didn't give me much choice to consider the options of natural miscarriage or having the d/c procedure.  My hormone levels were very high for the situation and she was worried I might have had a "molar pregnancy" - which can be pre-cancerous and she wanted to test the tissue to rule that out, so I had the d/c.  


Quick definition:  D&C stands for dilation and curettage - basically a minor surgery to go in and take out all the tissue from the miscarriage.  It has a few risks like puncturing or scarring the uterus, as well as infection that can come with any surgical procedure.  These are not very common from what I understand.


This time around she gave me the choice: wait for my body to miscarry naturally or have the procedure again.  I'm choosing the d/c and here's why:

The natural way scares me more, because you don't know when it'll happen or how much cramping and bleeding you will have or how long it will last. With the surgery I will go to the hospital Friday morning and go home that day and recover for the weekend and pretty much be done with it after a week or so of light bleeding. Just knowing what to expect in this rather scary situation is worth it to me. Plus from what I've read some ladies never fully get rid of all the tissue on their own and have to do a d/c later anyway. That would REALLY suck.  Since my body has shown no signs of recognizing the miscarriage thus far (which evidently happened about a month ago) I'm not real confident that this won't drag on forever if I go the natural route. 

Yesterday morning I got really anxious when I had some spotting and felt like I was about to start my period. I thought I was starting the natural process and wasn't excited about it.  Evidently once some women find out about the miscarriage, there is some mind-body connection that causes them to start getting rid of it right away and I have really been hoping that won't happen before Friday.  I was pretty scared Monday morning that I was going to start cramping and bleeding sometime during the day and what do you do then when you're supposed to be in charge of a room full of kindergartners??  Can't exactly just walk out and go home.  And then how many days would I have to miss school?  No sub plans ready... Supposed to be doing big assessments this week... Will I still be able to have the procedure to make sure it's all taken care of?  Oy... just lots of bad thoughts.  Thankfully the spotting is light and I don't think it's anything more than a reaction to the exam/ultrasound last week.  


That's my decision.  I know all women and pregnancies are different and everyone has to choose for themselves what route to take.  Some people are really set on staying all natural and are confident that their bodies know how to deal with it and will do so.  Props to them and their courage!

I'm in His hands

All is well with my soul

He is God in control

I know not all His plans

But I know I'm in His hands

That's the song that did it.  I've been doing really well since our appointment Thursday, but singing always does me in.  Couldn't stop the tears in church this morning.  This song speaks well to the state of mind/soul/being that I'm striving to stay focused on.  I know that God is in control, that I don't and won't understand all His plans, and that I'm forever secure in His hands.  He is a good God.  He doesn't cause or justify all the heartbreaking, scary stuff that happens in life, but He does redeem it.  Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (NIV)

I think some ways God redeems/uses all the hard stuff we go through are to teach us, draw us closer, and help other people through the same problems.  Recently my sister-in-law shared at my parents' church about her experiences the last few years with cancer and what God has brought her through in that.  I admire her courage and vulnerability to let God speak through her personal struggles to many people she doesn't even know.  I'm not ready to get up and talk to crowds, but she has inspired me to share and encourage those struggling around me, or around the world in this case.  I'm new to blogging so I may not have all the right etiquette - forgive me.

So on Thursday we had my 10-week prenatal appointment with the OB.  We got through the whole examination/medical history information/pregnancy rules bit only to get the to ultrasound and see that the baby hadn't made it past six weeks.  This is my second miscarriage.  I found out the first time around that not many people talk about it, yet it's a very scary place to be in alone and I wanted to hear about other people who had been there.  

Now I've been there - twice - so I want to be an encourager and supporter and resource.  I don't know that this will really be the way to reach people, but it's a start. It's also a place to let my family and friends know my story better.  So please, ask questions or let me know what you think.  I'm no expert; advice is welcome too!