Dealing with People

"How long will it be until I don't hate people?" asked one woman who had a miscarriage, whose post I read on a "Loss" forum.  I know it sounds harsh and dramatic but I could totally relate to what that girl was feeling.  Dealing with people after any loss, I would imagine, just seems to add insult to injury.  Whether they are oblivious, insensitive, nosy, preachy, optimistic, trite, or just plain stupid, no one seems to get it and everyone gets on your nerves and if you're like me you feel like you still have to be polite and pleasant with them all.


Admittedly part of the problem here is the secrecy of an early miscarriage.  People don't know so they make comments that sting or ask you when you're going to start having kids.  You don't want to go into the whole thing and end up in tears so you just smile and take it or find a quick excuse to leave.  Kinda makes you not so fond of being around people.


Or the insensitive ones say things like, "You're still young, you have plenty of time." ... "These things happen, just keep trying."  ...  "Everything happens for a reason."  ... Maybe some of these things are true, but my baby is still gone and you don't seem to get that.


Then there are the oblivious, optimistic people who seem ridiculously happy about everything.  This most often hits me when reading a facebook status about how wonderful their life is or how we should be thankful for everything good or bad, blah blah blah.  It always makes me think either these people are very naive or are just plain faking it.  Either way it annoys me to say the least.

I've already talked about preachy friends, and women who are pregnant and complaining about it, etc.  Even people who mean well and love you, there just doesn't seem to be much to say that isn't going to hurt somehow.  A good friend of mine sent me an article about dealing with miscarriage that had some good advice about dealing with people.  I will have to look it up to get some of the specifics right about how to respond to people's comments/questions - but I do remember their advice to everyone else.  A good thing to say is, "I am so sorry for your family's loss.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."  That way you are expressing sympathy, acknowledging their loss, offering support, and letting them know you care.  You're not trying to make it better or fix it, down-playing the situation, getting nosy, or pushing anything.


Anyway, lately this feeling of not being able to put up with people much has returned.  Our first baby's due date was March 17th.  I made it through that day and a couple more pretty well, just trying to ignore it.  Then it was spring break and life slowed down and we were around too much "baby" to keep holding it back.  My supportive husband was there to let me cry on his shoulder and pray with me, which I am so thankful for.  He gets it.


But still we are surrounded by "baby."  My sister-in-law had her baby March 13th, the other is about to have hers.  Several of our friends/coworkers here have babies or are expecting.  Lots of friends elsewhere are having babies or pregnant or talking about their babies.  Nothing wrong with that - when I have a baby it will probably be involved in every conversation and post too - this is just what I'm dealing with.  I can't get away from it, it's a part of life that goes on whether I'm ready for it to or not.


So... if I have seen you or talked to you over the last week or so and seemed not myself, this is why.  My patience and humor with trivial things is at a minimum.  As I go through this mourning process some stages return and sometimes it feels like I'm going back or losing ground.  But I do know that this will likely continue - the ups and downs - for quite awhile and I expect it to.  Thankfully God is my Rock and is not influenced by my feelings, trials, or anything else.  He is with me through it all and loves me despite it all.  He is my Comforter.